Training Wheels

Do you remember how it felt when you peddled a bike for the first time without the training wheels?  I remember feeling a bit frightened as I started wobbly. But my confidence grew the longer I stayed vertical and coasted with more stability.  That’s what letting go of worrying about the future, and cutting cords to the past feels like.  Soon those days of using training wheels to get around are a distant memory.

Mastery over what occupies your thoughts is crucial, and it is a muscle that needs exercise. It feels peaceful when my thoughts aren’t entirely overrun with concerns over my future and past wounds that have held me hostage from believing in myself.  I’d be lying if I said the negative reflections didn’t still creep up, but nothing like before.  Letting them get a foot-hold is when the spiraling begins.  Once I have my positive momentum, I continuously feed it — I cannot get lazy.  However, I do not ignore being sad, scared, angry, or pissed off, but I strive not to let those feelings take over.  Always have a life-line for yourself.  For me, it’s usually just observing the thoughts and emotions and merely asking myself, why do I feel this way?  Giving the question a fair amount of contemplation, showing some understanding, and then moving on.

A few weeks ago, I was riding the high of my last breakthrough when I hit a snag. While not nearly as heavy as the previous set of old emotions that I needed to work thru, I still felt myself ruminating.  That’s when I noticed a pattern, a thing I do when I feel scared and out of control.  I start honing in on shit I think my daughter should be doing in her life.  Then I realized that this translates to shit I should be doing in my life. Indeed I needed to break this pattern, but how? Why was I entertaining these thoughts in the first place?  Finally, I decided that I had too much time on my hands and that I was bored and a bit impatient with life.  The activities that once held my interest and kept me engaged in the present were no longer working for me.  Let’s just say I had no damn desire to Art my emotions this time. But I did commend myself for noticing and being honest about why I was feeling that way.  And I admit I’m ready for more excitement and luxuries in my life. I’m eager to get on with it if you will. 

So, how does one get on with it?  My guides have said over and over again to trust my instincts.  I realized I was not wholly committed to trusting God, therefore, not trusting myself.  Perhaps that’s what my tarot reading meant by making a decision.  Pretty much inferring, either piss or get off the pot!  Making a decision meant that I would also have to stop procrastinating, stop doubting, and of course, let go.  Why was I still procrastinating and doubting?  Just what the hell was it that I was still holding onto?  I decided I needed to make a definitive plan for my life.  My energy has always been scattered, so planning anything has always been a challenge.  The truth is, I have done some hard work on my self-healing, but I know now is the time to take action and focus on my future, and that scares me.  That is why I procrastinate.  Because in the end, if there is nothing more to fix, you have to start working towards your desires and figure shit out.  No more excuses.  So I made a plan. 

Since then, I’ve focused on what I can do now to propel myself into my awesome future. Writing down and visualizing what I want my future to look like.  I use all four senses when possible and put as many positive emotions into it.  When I feel my lightest and happiest, I use that time to visualize and talk to my spiritual team about ideas, hopes, and dreams.  I’ve ramped up my meditations, my studies, and my workouts.  Reigning in my diet is more of a challenge because I love sweets and carbs (who doesn’t)?  But, I do cut out a lot of the bad stuff.  My goal is to feel as much of future life in my present one; to be the Elaine I see in the future.  That means my happiness isn’t dependent upon some magical date a few weeks, months, or years from now — it is dependent on how I feel now; in the present.  As a result, a few gigs came my way that paid well enough to get us through this month and comfortably into the next.  Once I stopped worrying about how the bills would get paid, a way was made. My daughter continues to win photography contest and even got to travel out of town for work this weekend.  We are both just tickled pink with how the Universe has blessed us both.  Most of all, I feel gratitude — gratitude for everything. 

You’ve come a long way, baby!  That’s what popped into my head just now.  And I have come a long way.  Always be counting your accomplishments. Acknowledging your achievements, even in a small way, increases positive emotions such as self-respect, happiness, and confidence. (https://www.emotionallyresilientliving.com/why-you-should-always-acknowledge-achievements).  Becoming the highest version of yourself requires trust and connection with God and trust in your instincts; none of these things are possible without self-respect, happiness, and confidence.  So yes, while you are counting blessing, count your wins — because you fucking did that shit!

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